This Book Made Me Question Everything I Believe About Life
- Renuka Gavrani
- Aug 19, 2024
- 8 min read
Updated: Apr 5
What if everything you know about yourself and life is taught to cage you?
What do you think, ‘How will you feel once you achieve your biggest goal?’ Proud. Happy. Thrilled. Peaceful. Satisfied. Relaxed. Emotional. Of course, you will feel all these emotions at once and you won’t know what to do with it. Big drops of tears will roll down your cheeks while a fat smile will pull your cheeks upwards. You will look the most beautiful yet a little funny. You will feel proud and happy.
On day one, you will be busy calling everyone or picking up calls to hear the same word ringing in your ears: ‘Congratulations.’
One day two, you will be beaming with happiness so much so that for a second, you might wonder, ‘Is it real? Am I dreaming?’
On day three, you will be celebrating yourself with a nice gift or perhaps a trip to a place you always wanted to visit.
Just like that, a few weeks will pass by and then, you will be sitting on your chair, facing your laptop — ‘What to do next?’
You will, I promise, lose yourself so much in this one big question that your biggest achievement will no longer matter as much. The feeling of pride will still be there but you will come back to the same starting point where you started,
‘What do I want to make out of my life? Why am I wasting my days like this? I have so much potential, I must find something, do something better, achieve something great if I want my life to be worth it.’
Now you might say, ‘Renuka, speak for yourself. Because when I achieve my goal, I will be satisfied.’
But let me assure you, ‘YOU WOULDN’T.’
Do you know how I can make such a wild assumption about you when I have never even met you?
Because we all are a part of the same f*cked-up society, we all are a part of the same system. We all are trained like rats — keep running in circles until you die of exhaustion.
Because when we were in fifth grade, we were silently told that every person in the room was our competitor, so we must study harder than the rest and score the highest grade.
Because when we were in high school, they made us believe if we didn’t go somewhere better from here then we might end up in a dumpyard with the rest of the ‘losers.’
Because when were in college, we were constantly asked ‘What is your plan for the next five years? Where do you see yourself in the next five years?’
Because when we finally got a job, we were told to prepare for retirement. And if you want to retire early, then you lazy as*, work harder, and put in more hours. Plan everything in advance.
Can you see my point here?
Let me explain.
The Constantly Race To Be Somewhere Else
‘We are trained to always seek refugee in the future.’
You may think, you will prove your worth to everyone when you achieve your goals or when you start to make X amount of money, you will be happy and satisfied with life. Maybe taking yearly trips to Europe and going to Bali once in six months will resolve the cords in your soul.
But you will feel just as empty, and miserable even when you achieve all your goals.
Because, our system has trained us since we were kids — to always run. To always seek refugee in the future. Always plan for something better and more beautiful than the place you are in.
We were not taught to enjoy our studies. We were taught to fight it.
We were not taught to find ourselves in high school. We were taught to find a college that will bake a secure future for us.
We were not taught how to be a satisfied adult in college, we were taught how to find a job, and then shut up so we can be a good employee.
We were not taught to enjoy our work in corporate. We were taught to complete the work, go home, sleep, and come back to repeat the same cycle until we die or retire with enough money for the rest of our old years to sit and wonder, ‘Where did life slip away after the innocent age of five?’
You see, not only we were trained to ‘resent’ the present moment, but they also made us believe that ‘If we work harder just for a few more years, then we can have something more beautiful.’ Thus, nurturing, adults who constantly hate their lives for the greed of a better future.
I just want to yell at the world, ‘I didn’t sign up for this scam. I want my years back. I want to live, laugh, and enjoy, sip tea in peace, go for a walk in nature, and find a comforting feel of home. I want to cook and eat food like that’s all that matters. I want to plan home gatherings and short trips with family and friends. I want to live. For the love of God, let me.’
But then, who is stopping me? I have enough money to retire. I have all the freedom in the world. I am not accountable to anyone. So, why don’t I go ahead and live?
The Years of Training and Manipulation
It’s one thing to fight against the world and another to fight against ‘a replica of yourself’ standing in front of you — always reminding you what more you could be, how much more you could achieve, and how you are wasting your potential.
It’s like you know you want peace. You want to rest. You want to lie down on the wet grass. But just when you start to believe, ‘this is everything you would ever need,’ a voice starts to ring in your head. The voice is yours. It keeps you on the edge. It pushes you to get up and do something. It reminds you of the all things people of your age are doing and you are wasting your life.
You cannot understand ‘Who are you?’
The one who is happy and satisfied lying on the grass. Or the one who wants to run so you can have a better life by the end of five years.
This is what I have been facing for the past couple of days.
Even when I have spent the last three years of my life becoming good at slowing down, and enjoying the present moment, I am finding myself restless and wondering ‘If I am wasting my life away by not doing ‘much’?’
I am a successful writer. I am loved for my words. I make enough money to retire today.
Yet….
I am now wondering ‘If I could do something more?’
If I should do a master's and then a PhD. If I should teach in a school for a few months. If I should….If I should do something.
I was not able to put these thoughts away. The last couple of days were especially stressful so much so that the more I thought about, ‘What can I do?’, the less I wanted to do anything as if all my energy was drained out of my body.
Hence, the reason, I am writing an article after such a long time.
So, what did I do?
Let Yourself Be
‘Sometimes, the best solution is to not do anything.’
Not going to lie to you, at first, I thought, ‘There is something inherently wrong with me. Why cannot I let myself be at peace?’
After thinking for hours, cursing myself, and wondering if I was wasting my life away, I finally reached to a point when I was mentally exhausted. To avoid any further mental breakdowns, I started dumbscrolling social media to ‘avoid’ the whole thing. The more time I spent on social media, the more miserable I felt — looking at people who were doing so much more.
By the time I could understand, I found myself numb. I just didn’t feel moved by life as I used to. At one point, I thought I was just an ungrateful brat.
Then…
I took a break. Just for the next three days. I didn’t use social media. I didn’t write anything. I didn’t read. I just spent time cooking or going out with one of my friends who is visiting the town.
Today morning, after getting dressed and all, I sat with a cup of coffee. I had my laptop on my desk and I was looking out of the window at this large tree. Almost 15 minutes passed by, I found myself at peace. I was a little emotional as well, maybe because I touched the level of calmness that I had been ignoring. I felt complete. I felt like ‘This is everything I will ever need.’
I opened my laptop and started writing this article.
Somehow, not doing anything helped me come back home to myself.
Conclusion; Practice To Be Lost
‘How does life feel following the rules and beliefs of society?’
Up until now, you have successfully followed the rules of society — preparing and working for a better future. A future where you are sure you will be happier and satisfied. And that feeling is worth burning the current years of your life, right?
But have you ever thought even for a second,
‘The future that you are preparing for, you might not exist in it?’
How do you know five years down the life, you will still be alive? How do you know if you are alive, you will be in good health? How do you know you will be in the mood and energy to enjoy life?
They taught us everything but they didn’t teach us that life is unpredictable. And let’s say, in the next five years, not only you will be rich and successful but you will be healthier as well, yet, you won’t have THIS version of yourself.
The person you are today will never get to feel happy and satisfied because this version will die as the new version of you will be born.
So, don’t you think that THIS version of you who is doing all the work deserves to be happy and content as well?
Of course, you do. You have to find a few sources of absolutely unreliable sources of happiness in your life. Unreliable in a way, you don’t have to plan it, you don’t have to be perfect in it, and you don’t have to make money with it.
You have to practice being lost in at least one area of your life. A part of your life that is unseen by the world and not planned by you. A part of you that you allow to wander and be lost — so you can feel the real peace of not chasing the train of ‘what you should have been’ by this age. A part of your life and you that is allowed to be a ‘mess’ and as wild as you want.
Maybe you start to waste your evenings doing something you absolutely love. Maybe you start doing a part-time job in a cute cafe as you always wanted. Maybe you start writing poetry to express your deepest darkest thoughts. Maybe you start to dance in your living room and record yourself just for the fun of it. Maybe you become a runner because you love to chase the sunrise. Maybe you start to read books you thought were too tough or time-consuming.
Maybe, just maybe, this time you give yourself a chance to be happy everyday and be lost in life, even if for a little while.
And maybe, if you practice being lost, you will find a way back to that innocent age of five when you were happy because the sky was blue and you were alive.
With that, I leave the decision to you to decide what you want your life to be.
In case, you want your life to be your biggest creative project, a life you enjoy and feel turned on by, read my new book, ‘The Magic of Creative Living: A Conscious Path To a Joyful Life.’
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